النظرات

هناك نظرات نتمناها، وهناك نظرات نخشاها كالنصال فنتمنى لو انمحونا هربا منها.

  لم تتسرب الخيوط الذهبية من بين طيات الستائر لتيقظه بل سبقها منبه رنان قتل الصمت الذي كان يغلف فضاء الغرفة والبيت، ومن سرير لا يشاطره إياه أحدهم قام أمين، أضاء أنوار الشقة كلها في طريقه للحمام كما هي عادته منذ الصغر خوفا من شخص سيأتيه بالتأكيد من الخلف ويبتلعه في الظلام، بالنسبة لشاب في طريقه للثلاثين فأمين قصير جدا لحد يجعله يقف على أطراف أصابعه أمام المرآة حتى يستطيع تبين وجهه بالكامل أثناء حلاقة ذقنه.

  أول البارحة قد وصلته رسالة عن اجتماع لخريجي مدرسته احتفالا، فتأرجح قلبه فرحا ثم ارتج فزعا.

  أما الآن فهو يجمع شجاعته كلها ليرتدي الملابس ويذهب لذلك الاجتماع، فليس كل رجوع للماضي به جمال خالص، احتار أمين فيما يلبس ويضع، وهكذا عادته كل يوم، فيقف وينظر ويفكر "إن لبست هذا سيُنظر لي، وذلك سيجعلهم بالتأكيد يضحكون.."، فارتدى قميصا –في النهاية- أبيض اللون وسروالا جينزا حتى لا يلفت انتباه أحدهم بريقا أو احتقارا، استمر في إعداد هيئته مرارا وتكرارا حتى تجاوز الأمر أكثر من ساعة ونصف الساعة.

  أخيرا نزل أمين الشارع، وقد كان من المتفق فيما بين القائمين على الاجتماع أن يكون كنشاط دراسي فيبدأ صباحا في الثامنة تقريبا وينتهي مع انتصاف الشمس في السماء، وقد كان الشارع هادئا كعادة الصباح ولكنه لم يلبث أن مشي بضعة خطوات حتى توجس من وجود عيون تترقبه رغم عدم وجود أحدهم في الشارع.

  ركب مشروعا بجانب الشباك الأيمن في الكنبة الخلفية تماما، وأخذ يضبط جلسته حتى لا يحتك به أحد لا طالعا ولا نازلا، ثم وضع سماعاته في أذنيه منصرفا عن الدنيا من حوله، وكانت الأغاني تتوالى على أذنيه من جميع الأذواق.

  اضطر للرجوع للواقع لما جائت شابة سمينة راكبة وفتحت الكرسي الذي أمامه تماما وارتمت بكل وزنها عليه فما أحس إلا ألما وضغط في نصفه السفلي حتى خشي من أن يصاب بالعقم منه، ثم اطمأن بعد ذلك قليلا لأن ليس لديه شريكة، فارتبكت أعماقه لذلك بعدها، وكان يخاف أن يحدثها فيتهم بمضايقتها، فصار يسب ويلعن اليوم الذي قرر فيه الذهاب للاجتماع وكل شيء يحيط به حتى نزل من المشروع.

  اتخذ الشوارع التي يعتقد أنه لن يصادف أحدهم بها حتى وصل إلى السور الخارجي للمدرسة، وقد تقافزت إلى ذهنه كل المرات التي أهين فيها داخل تلك الأسوار بدافع السخرية واللهو والعبث، وحينما جاءته لحظة قرر فيها عدم الدخول حاصرته من الخلف سيارات زملائه من دفعته، ولكم غريب أنه كان معهم في نفس الفصول والأدراج وصاروا في شأن وهو في شأن آخر يختلف عنهم جدا، لعل الأمور لم تكن طيبة مع أمين، لا أحد يعرف، حينما أحس بذلك الحصار توجه فورا لداخل المبنى واتجه نحو غرفة الاجتماعات لعله يجد بها خلوة حلوة بعيدا عن أنظار الناس، لكنه وجدها شبه ممتلئة كراسيها، كان كلما سأل أحدهم إن كان بإمكانه الجلوس بجانبه تحججوا بأنه مقعد زميل ذهب للحمام، أي حمام ضخم هذا؟!

  أيا يكن لم يجد مقعدا سوى في الصف الأمامي، أول ما لمست مؤخرته قاعدة المقعد حتى حدث اتصال بين المكان وذاكرته، فمنذ خمسة عشر عاما كانت الأوراق تقذف عليه والأحبار تفرغ في قاعدة الدرج قبل جلوسه ولطالما ترامت لأذنيه عبارات تحمل اسمه أو هكذا كان يخيل إليه فكان يتمنى من أشد قلبه أن يختفي.

  دخل مدير المدرسة وحياهم وجلسوا كلهم وبدأ اجتماع النوستالجيا الخاص بهم، وقد كان أمين يسمع كل همسة من الخلف والقلق يتلبسه، بعض الهمسات يظنها تحمل اسمه، ويظن بكل الضحكات سيرته وبكل النكات هيئته، حتى صار لا يقدر أن يسمع المدير والمدرسين الذين يتتالون في سرد قصصهم وذكرياتهم.

  على أعلى الدرج كان قد وضع مفاتيحه منذ دخل الاجتماع، وفي لحظة هفوة منه سقطت أرضا أحدثت دويا لا بأس به ولسوء حظه تزامن ذلك مع برهة صمت جعلت من وقع الأمر عليه ضرب من القتل، تعرقت جبينه وخال الصمت اللحظي أبديا لا ينقطع، وفجأة أحس بضغط على رأسه كأن العيون كلها قد انقلعت من محاجرها وتركزت فوق رأسه، متيقنا بأن سالم وممدوح سيضحكان عليه و سيعلق كريم بأن يمسك أعصابه وههههه، انحنى بسرعة خاطفة والتقط المفاتيح من على الأرض، في حدث لم يدم لثوان عدت عليه سنين.

  كلما مر به الوقت وتقدم كلما أحس بحجر أثقل من حجر سيزيف يربض على صدره ورغبة في الاستئذان لكنه خاف من رفع يديه طلبا فيسخر منه أحدهم، أحس بأن كلما قيلت ذكرى عن لهو الصبا كان هو المقصود بذلك، كل حدث وكل شغب يعتبره إسقاطا عليه، لذلك قام بالتضاؤل في جلسته وأخذ ينزلق حتى كاد يقع ولكن أحدا لم ينتبه،أما هو فأحس أن الكون والخالق وملائكته والشياطين في الأسفل قد انتبهوا له مرة واحدة، شعر برغبة ملحة في البكاء، سب نفسه مرارا على اختيار ترك المنزل والنزول بل والبقاء، أليس الأكرم للمرء الرحيل واعتزال ما يؤذيه؟ هكذا فكر أمين.

  أُعلن عن الراحة، فخرج أمين مسرعا كسارق بين الناس محاذيا للحائط وينظر أمامه ولا ينظر وراءه أبدا، خرج من المدرسة والعرق على جبينه وبين قطرات العرق كانت دمعة فارة من عينه، وقلبه يضرب أغلاله يطالب بالخروج إلى النهار، وصار يمشي في الشوارع متمنيا أن يغلق عينيه ويفتحهما فيجد نفسه في البيت وحده، وصار يمشي ويمشي بسرعة حد العدو حاسبا أن الأعين تلاحقه، لكن في الحقيقة لم يلفت وجوده بالاجتماع نظر أحدهم إلا حين تركه المقعد شاغرا، والحق أن أحدا لم ينظر إليه بل لاحظه من الأساس.

The Looks  

 The golden threads didn't even seep through the folds of curtains before the ringing alarm that killed the silence which was shrouding the room and the house. Amin has waked up from a bed that no one shares with him. He has illuminated all the lights of the apartment in his way to the washroom as he has been accustomed to do since his childhood due to his panic from someone who will assuredly come from behind and swallow him in the darkness. Concerning a young man who is near from 30 years old, Amin is acutely short to a level that was making him standing on the extremity of his toes in front of the mirror to be able to discern his face completely during the shave of his beard. The day before the last day, a message had been sent to him about an invitation to a meeting of celebration organised by the graduated students of his school, so his heart had swung of delight and after, it had throbbed of dread. In a moment, he gathered all his bravery in order to put on his clothes and go to this reunion.   Not every recall of the past has a pure grace, Amin was confused about what he will wear like his habit every day. He was standing, staring and thinking "If I'm dressed in this, people will look at me and if I don that, they will surely laugh."   Finally, he put on a white shirt and denim trousers because he didn't want to lure someone's attention whether it is a glimmering or a contempt. He has continued in the preparation of his form for a long time and he has taken more than hour and half to do it. Amin went down to the street and there had been an agreement between those in charge of the meeting which will be a kind of a scholastic activity that is starting at 8 AM and will end when the sun goes in the middle of the sky.   The street was uneventful as usual in the morning but after some steps, he was having the obsession that several eyes were observing him although there wasn't any person in the street. He went to ride a "Microbus" and he sit beside the right window of the mini sofa in the back. He was trying to adjust his sitting to prevent that someone scratches him while the descent and the ascension. He put his earphones to depart from the world surrounding him and the songs were sequencing in his ears from all kind of savors. But, he was forced to return to the reality when a fat young girl came, she opened the chair in front of him and she plonked with all her weight on him. He felt an agony with a harmful pressure on the bottom half of his body and he was fearing to become sterile. He was assured when he remembered that he doesn't have a girlfriend, so his depths were baffled for this and he was afraid to talk with her because he will be accused of harassment.   Therefore, he started cursing the day, when he had decided to go to this meeting, and everything was surrounding him until he left the "Microbus".

He walked in the streets where he thought that he won’t come across someone until he has arrived to the school’s external wall. All the times where he was offended beyond this wall due to the motivation of mockery and fun, leaped to his mind. When he decided in a moment not to enter, the cars of his class colleagues blockaded him from behind. It’s strange that he was with them in the same classes and desks, but they have now a very different status from him. Maybe things hadn’t been ok with Amin, no one knows. When he felt this surrounding, he went instantly inside the building and he headed towards the meeting room in order to find a kind nook far from the eyes of people, but he found its chairs almost full of people. Every time, when he asked one of them to sit beside him, they were justifying it that it’s the seat of a colleague who had gone to the toilet, what a vast toilet ?! He found no seat except one in the front row. As soon as his backside has touched the bench, a connection has happened between the place and his memory. Fifteen years ago, papers had been thrown on him and inks had been poured into the base of the locker before he sat. When some phrases that carry his name were being delivered to his ears, he wished from the bottom of his heart to disappear. The school director has entered and he greeted them. They sat down and their nostalgia meeting has started. Amin was hearing every hiss from behind while the anxiety was taking control over him. He thought that some of the whispers were carrying his name. He guessed that he was a part of every laugh and every joke, thus he didn’t become able to hear the director and the teachers who has been succeeding in reciting their stories and memories. On the top of the desk, he had put his keys when he had entered the meeting, and in awhile, the keys fell to the ground and made a noise. He was unlucky because this accident coincided with a moment of silence that made the situation more embarrassing. His forehead was sweating and he surmised that the instant silence is everlasting and can’t be interrupted. Suddenly, he felt a pressure on his head like as if his eyes were taken off from their quarries and they concentrated on his head. He was sure that Salem and Mamdouh will laugh and Karim will ironically comment «Calm down man hahaha ». So, he bent over in a lightning speed and he picked up the keys, this accident did’t last for seconds but for him it lasted for years. The more time passes and progresses, the more he feels a stone heavier than Sisyphus stone lying on his chest and a desire to leave but he was afraid of raising his hands to demand an excuse to leave and one of them would make fun of him. He perceived that he was the intended person when something about the childhood amusement was said. Every event and every riot, he considered it like a projection on him, so he started to dwindle in his seat and he slipped until he almost fell but no one has cared about him. But, he felt that the universe, the creator and his angels and the devils at the bottom paid attention to him one time. He sensed a real craving to cry, he cursed himself a lot of times because he had chosen to leave the house and stay in this meeting, Is it not more honorable for the human to leave and retire what harms him? Amin was reflecting like this. The break began and Amin went out quickly like a thief between people adjoining the wall, he was looking in front of him and he didn’t look behind him. He left the school and the sweat was on his forehead. Amid the sweat drops, there was a tear that fled from his eyes. His heart was beating his shackles in order to go out to the morning. Amin was walking in the streets and he wished to close his eyes and open them to find himself in his house alone. He walked and walked very quickly while thinking that eyes were chasing him. In reality, his presence in the meeting hadn’t lured the attention of anyone except when the seat left him vacant and honestly there was no one who looked at him or even noticed him.

مينا وجدي غطاس
3/25/2020

Translated by: Philippe Samer Zaki.